The topic for today is “Jewish Haiku,” which I found nicely typed out in a folder of keepers stashed away in the front drawer of my father’s desk, where I’m not usually prone to go looking. Until I did. And there they were.
Given that my shortish-term memory is going the way of my energy level and the perkiness of my behind, I cannot now recall when or from whom I originally received them, and certainly hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning to an offended email from the donor reminding me. (As happened with the flashmob performance of “Ode to Joy” a few weeks back.) Be that as it may, their presence in the keeper folder means at one time I found them irresistible. And what do you know? I still do.
However, to post, or not to post? That is the question.
If you’ve never had Jewish guilt or what is known stereotypically as “a Jewish mother” (not all Jewish mothers are), if you don’t know about mohels performing ritual circumcisions on the eighth day after birth or about bar mitzvah ceremonies for boys at thirteen (“Today I am a man”), or that observant male Jews cover their heads with a (usually black) Yarmulke, or that Yom Kippur is the annual Day of Atonement, or that lobster (or any other shellfish) isn’t kosher and therefore mustn’t be eaten, or that food is very important at all times, or that the worst is almost always certain to happen, or that after a death the family sits shiva at home for five days to receive friends and not be alone with their grief — then you probably won’t get what’s going on here.
On the other hand, I’ve already just explained most of the important stuff. So let’s give it a try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Drop out whenever you’ve had it. Don’t be shy about asking questions. But please don’t ask for more. By the time you get to the end, I’m sure you won’t want to. There comes a point when enough is enough.
***************
JEWISH HAIKU
***
After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
***
Looking for pink buds
to prune, the old moyel
wanders among his flowers.
***
Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.
***
Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.
***
The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.
***
Tea ceremony —
fragrant steam perfumes the air.
Try the cheese danish.
***
Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.
***
Yom Kippur — Forgive
me Lord for the Mercedes
and all that lobster.
***
My nature journal —
Today I saw some trees and birds.
I should know the names?
***
Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture
at my dinner table.
***
Beyond Valium is
the peace of knowing one’s child
is an internist.
***
Jews on safari —
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.
***
Coroner’s report —
“The deceased, wearing no hat,
caught his death of cold.”
***
The sparrow brings home
too many worms for her young.
“Force yourself,” she chirps.
***
Jewish triathlon:
gin rummy, then contract bridge,
followed by a nap.
***
The shiva visit:
So sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
***
Our youngest daughter,
our most precious jewel, hence
the name, Tiffany.
***
Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.
***
Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.
***
Concert of car horns
as we debate the question
of when to change lanes.
***
Sorry I’m not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.
***
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I’ve done?
***
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you’ll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh
***
Passover — Left the door open
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.
***
Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.
***
A lovely nose ring —
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.
***
Hard to tell under
the lights — white Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness?
***
(Yes, enough.)
ON BEING OLD 
Muahahaha! I’ve lived and worked among the chosen people all my life. This Haiku reminds me of so many people that I’ve known over the years.
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So glad you enjoyed it! That’s quite a laugh! 😀
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They were amazing. Loved especially the nba one with the alarm clock! I love the Jewish people!
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That’s one of my favorites, too. Also the one that begins: “Like a bonsai tree.” Happy to hear you had a good time!
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These are hysterical! I am grinning ear to ear. Thanks for posting these! Now I’m going to share with my friend who married a nice Jewish boy. Unfortunately, she is no longer married to him, but I know she will get a kick out of these!
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I’ll bet she will. Actually I’m gobsmacked (as the Brits might say) by this overwhelmingly positive “Gentile” response. Should I give Hollywood — Mel Brooks, Woody Allen, et al. — the credit? 😀
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These are really funny and I got them even without your explanations!
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Even the old mohel wandering among his flowers looking for something to snip? Good for you! And glad you had a good laugh!
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Yep, I have quite a few Jewish friends. For the past few years we have done 2 seder services every year. My husband, who is a Quaker, say we are better Jews than most!
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😀 😀 😀
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…and how/why would someone be offended that you posted that wonderful ‘Ode to Joy’ flashmob video…?
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(sorry, might be a double-post, WP is not liking me…)
And why would someone be offended that you posted that lovely ‘Ode to Joy’ flash mob video…?
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Because I wrote that I didn’t remember who had initially sent it to me, which hurt the feelings of the sender (who is also a blog follower, albeit a silent email one). She lost no time letting me know…..
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Oh dear… 😦
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Glad of the smiles. And yes, you did double post. But I’m leaving them both in anyway. 😀 😀 😀
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Even though I’m Jewish I found these hilarious!
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“Even” though you’re Jewish? I should have thought that would make them doubly hilarious. No? 😀
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Absolute genius!!! Had me laughing out loud!!! Thanks for getting my Friday off to a good start. 🙂
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Some of them make me laugh out loud too. With an extra guffaw at the thought of Jewish haiku being now enjoyed in northern Sicily!!! 😀
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Loved these thoughts, am still smiling! ‘At the tone, please state your bad news.’ It is so charming! 😀
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LOL The warm milk on wrist when he’s 40 is so me. Dinner rolls in the pocket!! I don’t do gluten but you are aware that similarities (in temperament, drive) have been noted between the Jewish and Asian cultures?
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Are you also ROFL-ing? Glad you enjoyed them. No, I wasn’t aware of the similarities, but am always happy to welcome another quasi-landsman, albeit from another “culture.”
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